Dear Giver of Gifts: It’s The Thought That Counts

Funny that the expression “It’s the thought that counts” is true for both the giver and the receiver. Here’s a bit of advice for you, giver of gifts:

It is your responsibility to practice GIVING when you give a gift. What I mean is that when you give something, let it go as much as is in your capacity to do so. Listen to your partner, friend or family member; find out what they love; do your research. Give that thing or time or situation you know they wish for and then forget about it all together. That way when you visit them or find the item in the back of his/her closet, or expect something in return of equal or more value and don’t get it, you will not be daunted.

Our problem is we think our gifts are an extension of ourselves and we sometimes have a little issue with keeping score. It may be difficult to think otherwise, but we can practice changing this little by little.

I come from a large family, two brothers and two sisters and over the years we’ve developed the great habit of giving no gifts. We are just too sprawling a family to afford this. Now I don’t mean NO gifts as in no generosity, no food, no backrubs, no invitations, no love. I don’t mean no giving. I mean no “gifts”. I got into the habit of giving things that don’t take up too much room and expenditure, namely my time and my attention.

You’re wondering what this has to do with space issues in your apartment? Everything. Nearly all of the clients I’ve worked with rent apartments clogged with uncherished gifts they feel they cannot let go of. Last week I wrote about how you can think about and what to do with the gifts you’ve received. But when you switch roles and are the giver of a gift, bathe in the idea that your receiver may re-gift it, may chuck it, may pack it away and feel guilty about it. Practice being okay with that, but if you can consciously let go of the gift when you give it (meaning you are really giving it), you unconsciously transmit that to your receiver. Call it cosmic, but that person can feel it and then is free to do what she or he will with the gift. And then you are both let off the hook!

And if you’d rather there be fewer things filling up our homes and spaces, consider giving food, time, love, advice (if asked), massages, and other vaporous, but entirely treasured wonders.